Someone asked me this weekend If I was scared of dying, firstly what a lovely light topic of conversation over dinner, secondly yes of course I am, is anyone not? I have spent the following two days delving into the deepest depths of my mind, spending far too much time thinking and worrying about something that, at the end of the day, is completely unavoidable, inevitable and out of my control.
I spent probably far too much time yesterday researching dying, I know it sounds so absolutely morbid and mental but it’s actually such an interesting and abstract thing. There is not even one person, no one, who knows what actually happens to us when we die, there isn’t a living soul that can tell me the truth or they wouldn’t be living! Thinking about it now it is a bit of a pointless thing to research because I’m never going to know what happens, a definitive answer, until that fateful day comes (hopefully in many many years time) where I do take my last breath.
I’m failing to get my head around the idea of death and what happens to me when that day does come, I know my body will decay and decompose, that’s not what’s bothering me. What happens to my thoughts and feelings? Who cares about my physical body, it’s the being inside of my body that i’m confused about. When I think about it logically, my thoughts, feelings and emotions are just a product of my brain and what not, so when I die my brain will die too and my thoughts will not be made anymore. I struggle to think logically most the time though, so in my head it’s just so hard for me to comprehend that my thoughts will just not be there, the little voice inside of my head will not exist anymore, (not in a mental way, you know what I mean), I won’t exist.
I really wish I more of a religious and spiritual person, that I could believe in the afterlife and heaven and hell, that I genuinely believed that after I die my soul carries on in some other way, that would make this so much easier for me, I’d probably look forward to life after death. Unfortunately I’m far too much of a realist, I find it too hard to believe in things that don’t have any proof, things as abstract as religion and the afterlife, in my head it just can’t possibly be true, but that’s a whole other post.